She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
