did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
