you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
