I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
