WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
