I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
