My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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