If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
