Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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