I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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