So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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