A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
