I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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