marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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