dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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