I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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