Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
