she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
