You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You ate ashes out of my bong
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
