i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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