i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
