margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
