hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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