I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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