remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
