i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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