Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
