I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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