I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
