So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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