He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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