So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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