My ? Is...... Would it be sweet or creepy to take a girl on a first date to chigago?
creepy.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
