You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
