in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
