Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
