You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
