I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
whose parrot is this?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
