this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Are we still banned from the library?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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