That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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