i just made my gag reflex go away.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
