What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
