I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
