Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
