We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
