i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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