Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
