I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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