We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
