I am puke
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
